The Dos & Don'ts!

Vice Magazine heeft een heel coole, grappige rubriek in elk van hun exemplaren. The Dos and Don'ts! Soms zo leuk, soms zo fout...

This is your reminder now that summer's almost over to kick each remaining weekend into overdrive so everyone will have plenty of these to tape to the back of their eyelids come winter.

Fuck what the kid thinks. If you got some trim last night, let that flag fly.

It’s heartwarming to know that girls are just as willing as guys to fart in their passed-out friends’ faces. It also makes me curiously randy.

All of you complaining about it being too hot right now need to take a good look at this picture. Soon enough, we’ll have about six months of trudging around amidst shit-skimos like Bundles over here.

“Yessss! I’m totally being fucked by a famous guy! Hope nobody can see us.”

God, when redheads get drunk they become such bubbling, horny cauldrons of temptation it makes you start to think that maybe all that devil’s spawn stuff is actually true.

Doesn’t this picture remind you of all those times when you are at the perfect level of drunkness then someone hands you one more beer and the night falls into a puking shambles. Who is that asshole?

Meanwhile in Israel, maleness thunders on.

While you were sitting on the couch squandering the weekend watching the Deadliest Catch marathon, this is what was happening down at the lake.

Pretending to laugh while your eyes well up with tears is the worst way to deal with the fact that you fell asleep first at the slumber party. If you want to really show up those cunts, just be like “What?” and leave it on—for days if you have to.

Doesn’t he look like the giant baby from old Bugs Bunny cartoons? You just want to dab his mouth with one of those scarves then hoist him over your shoulder and say “Wuh-oh, who made a wittle mess of his food? Who made a wittle mess? Oh, da bad wittle baby made a mess, dat’s who!”

There were decent Southern Baptist families eating hot dogs just ten feet away from where she was spraying piss all over their religion. If she tried this with al-Qaeda they’d pack a rat with a suicide bomb and ram it down her throat on a shish kebab.

If this single mom wants to make to make it clear she doesn't have sexy writing on her ass because she's been dicked over so many times she's over dicks, we don't care.

Dance like nobody’s watching. Love like you’re never been hurt. Sing like nobody’s listening. Fall asleep in a children’s playground with a fully loaded high-powered handgun on your belt.

Here’s an exercise: let’s try to put ourselves in his futuristic shoes and picture how he sees himself. I’m seeing a superhero named Two Step leaping through the air with lightning bolts zipping around him and guitar riffs shooting out of his fingers instead of a low IQ French Canadian with a lot of female friends and a bad relationship with his dad.

How awesome are dorks? It doesn’t even matter if that dude is a dude or not; when you see nerds that overcame all their wedgies and rhyming insults and can still go for it with stupid accessories and a boner, it reminds you that being 15 wasn’t all suffering anxiety. Some of it was pretty fucking fun.

Jesus Christ, Jesus, who are you, the guy from Lean on Me? Take the “tough love” down a notch.

We know you want to just fucking grab her and run but the polite thing to do is wait until she’s done paying, casually follow her outside, then calmly grab her by the arm and explain you’d like your three wishes now.

Nerds: They ruined long hair, animation, and now S&M. Is there anything those Shit Midases don’t destroy?

Remember that stunning bad girl from college whose potty mouth could put every asshole at the party in his place with just one sentence? Why didn’t you marry her?

Even if you can get in touch with your inner John Mark Karr and be turned on by her bullshit, can you imagine how embarrassing it would be getting caught with her by your ex-girlfriend? You’d be all, “I’m going through a selfish phase.”

Girls only make out with us because if they didn’t, the human race would end. Get a few wine coolers in them and they want exactly what we want.

Call me an asshole but people who like to be pissed on are pieces of shit. Actually, shit doesn’t even like being pissed on. It just allows it because that’s life when you’re shit.

When someone is this clueless it actually gets kind of scary. Like the way a lot of serial killers are autistic and they don’t look people in the eye because they don’t get what the big deal is with eyes.

Ugh, when I think about how many times he says the word “sexy” to her in his gross European accent I want to barf.

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